Thursday, May 14, 2009
" Worst day of school in history ; 3:01 PM "
Today was seriously one of the most crappy days of the year. Well i came to school feeling emo from yesterday. And nobody made me feel any better at all in school. I just got demoralised and insulted and just yeah. thanks lah.
(Hey, its that time of year again! Yep! It's Everybody-hate-Cait-Foo-day! So let's all make her feel like crap so that she feels like ripping all her intestines in two) You should make cards and greet each other, and like, put adverts up or something.
My train of thought processes too far for my typing and this post probably won't hold as much depth as it did when i was thinking it through.
But anyway, right now I feel like like shouting out a whole string of disgusting vocabulary. But i won't, because its against my morals. first thing i got to school got wrongly accused of something in a joke joke way. Okay, let that go, but some others just like totally harped on the subject la.
Okay, then i try talking to someone, and then just totally get insulted, seriously, so pretty boys from hollywood are more important that what you have here in the real world? As in everything i do is just beaten down by you, and its not as if you even KNOW me that well to crack jokes like that so i won't be hurt.
You haven't even shown me your nice side, where you can just talk about stuff not related to what a terribly loserriffic life which YOU think I lead. And all the vibes I get from you is just that, i think i'm so awesome, so everybody just bow down and worship me now. Yeah, so i think i've seen hints of a nice person inside, but you just haven't proven yourself good enough a friend to throw insults at me without hurting me inside.
Number one. Next, well i totally get ditched, nobody wants to hear me out. You know its so easy to SAY you care, but nobody actually SHOWS it. I mean yeah okay, so i play a fool most of the time. That's called being positive. But that doesn't mean i don't have the right to be emo. But instead of asking me what's wrong or what, i mean YOU're good enough a friend. Instead you just leave me alone and run off somewhere, rubbing it in my face that Oh, I have friends, I have a life. And seriously, i know i should be looking on the positive side, but all the negative just supersedes everything.
Nobody's making ANY effort to cheer me up whatsoever, saying "Cheer up" or "smile" just ain't going to make things better. Okay so you ask me what I want? Well i never expected ALL my groups of friends to come against me at the same time. I mean you people don't even know it, but you think I can take all your snide remarks all the time. Sure you mean it in a joking manner, but I don't take everything as a joke okay.
Jesters have feelings too. And well to SATISFY you, because hey, nothing's about me and nobody cares about what the pong i think, i play nice, and i make jokes, just to make you feel better. And as a response i get hit down. Okay, you don't know what i'm going through. I've never felt so lonesome.
As i said, I do have friends, but nobody takes me seriously. I've got bloody problems too, alright. And this stupid emotional breakdowns caused by NEARLY everyone i know, is affecting my spiritual life, which affects my relationship with God, and then I'll just feel like crap the whole time, and take it out on my mum and family or something, which they don't deserve.
Would it kill you to include me in something? You people just go around announcing stuff in front of me, i'm not in conversations, I'm not included in anything. Well and its not as if i don't KNOW it, but its like i'm there and you deliberately don't ask me to join in.
You'll probably just exclude me, and later bitch behind my back saying, omg she's so annoying, keeps butting in to our conversations. So how? What do you want me to do. Stay still and not talk to anybody so later you can call me emo? How about that. I just feel so used.
Man this sucks. Everytime i just get over something, one of my other friends come and say something to slap me in the face. You know what this feels like? You know what clenched fists are? Okay yeah, clenched fists, coming at you. times infinity. So what do i resort to? Humour. Yeah i've got lots of humour buddies. everything's just fun and laughter isn't it.
You know that's not a friend. A friend yeah sure, has to make you laugh, but that's not ALL there has to be. I mean, say if someone died, you can't make a joke out of that can you. A friend has to be really there for you. And no, i don't have anyone for that right now. Because nobody's exactly on the same page as I am. I haven't been able to find someone who can totally relate to.
Anyway, and because i have so many humour buddies, i have no real buddies. My there-for-me buddies seem to have disappeared, haven't seen or talked to them in ages. Okay there are nice ones who are there for me, but they don't really know what i'm going through, because they don't know everyone i'm talking about. Humour buddies, make you feel better for a short period of time, but then after they leave, you just feel more empty.
Gah. But don't worry, because everybody expects me to be resilient enough to bounce back and be my normal self. Not that easy you know. And while i'm here typing, sounding like a pathetic pile of dung, everybody's having a good time out there with someone else, right?
But you all just carry on. Just continue living your wonderful fantabulous lives okay. Go play yourselves silly, because no matter what I say or do, I'm not seen OR heard. The people who I'm aiming this to, are probably NOT reading this, and will continue their ruthless,relentless ostracism, or if they read it, probably will get the wrong impression, and then won't BOTHER coming to consult me, and THEN REALLY start hating my guts.
OR, the people who i'm NOT aiming this to will probably read this and go, omg, is she talking about me? And then after that, they get the wrong impressions too, then the whole world will end up hating me too.
I'm just... confused; I don't know what I want, I don't know who my friends are. And i just feel like shutting myself up under a rock and hide from the whole human race. But i know it'll help if everyone just starts being nicer, and picking the right moments to NOT rub it in, you know, kick me when i'm down. And just include me.
Everyone just ASSUMES i'll be okay with it. Like, "Oh I'm sure she'll be okay with it", "Yeah lah, nevermind lah, I don't think she bothers"
Well, I'm definitely NOT. Why, is it because I've changed, and i think supposedly for the better. Or is it because all of a sudden, you just don't feel like i'm WORTHY of basking in your suddenly self-realised glory? i really don't know what's going around here, i just didn't expect to be put down by so many of my friends at the same time.
Worst of all, is you don't even know what you all do, right? Been there, done that. Have I been such an incredibly horrible person who doesn't engage in stuff that doesn't sit well with my morals, just so as to be friends with you people.
Heck, I don't even know why I'm making such a big deal of this.
Yep, and i haven't even had a complete talk about stuff like this with anyone. Well Kaela helped me a little today. But we didn't really have the time to have a long talk, but it helped. Okay, but how do you start talks like these? Yeah, but at least she has people. You hear, okay she's my ------ buddy, this the ----- clique. Well there's not THAT much wrong in that.
But seriously now, when you realise you've got nobody left, well, everybody's drifting apart as you can see, you just realise that its so nice to have someone. Like super through and through.
It used to be Minyee. But. Well. Things have changed, since she got in to 2/2 and all, Primary school had brilliant memories, its just that i seem to be the only one hanging on to them (for dear life), and well, you can't base all your present relationships from the past. But after you don't really talk and all that. We sort of drift apart.
(Hell, i always thought i still have you, i think i still do. I hope i still do. But. I just don't really know)
What, hey how you doing. Since you look all happy and smiley and have a brilliant life, why don't i tell you all the problems in my life so you'll be emo like me? Yeah. I just need someone, to talk to. Gosh. I don't mind talking to kaela again, hell we have lots of time for that, so (:
I mean, yep, i know. We've got problems, but i think i'm in a slightly more tangled one than she is.
(I promise though, some how I will find a way to pull through)
Yes but for the sake of God, and my self confidence, I will not resort to inflicting physical pain on my self, thank God I'm still sane enough to know that's stupid. And I won't do anything rash. I will continue to see what the purpose of this trial(yes, it is a trial, and i won't let Satan win this one by telling myself I'm not good enough, because i do know i am strong enough) is.
Yep, like I said, my train of thought processes faster than my typing. So this post is really a contradiction, because at the end of it all, i do realise the good of things. But i just want to let it out. Rather than keep it inside. Its better that the rest of the world is aware of what I'm feeling, and then not continue doing the stuff that's affecting me.
I love God.
And also, I promised Glenn to never ever forget what I've been shown.
But still, that doesn't mean I'm alright with stuff you all do to me, alright?
This is some Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde post lah. Schezo or what. Maybe its just PMS. I hope so.
XXX
EDIT : I love my toots.
EDIT : I love my toots.
